The Incredible Petrified World (1957)

Directed by Jerry Warren. Starring John Carradine, Robert Clarke, and Phyllis Coates. USA, Black & White, 64 minutes.

Deep beneath the sea, where our world ends, another begins! SEE - A giant lizard! SEE - A hairy caveman! SEE - The Incredible Petrified World! Can your heart stand 64 straight minutes of dialogue?

Professor Millard Wyman (John Carradine) sends four land dwellers (Robert Clarke, Phyllis Coates, Allen Windsor, and Sheila Noonan) into the depths of the ocean in his recently finished diving bell, and is surprised when its cables snap and it is sent careening to the ocean floor. While Wyman and what's left of the crew believe the divers to be dead, the four heroes find a cave, and decide to spend the night. Little do they know, its also the home of a crazy hermit (Maurice Bernard). When the two groups clash, its a fight to the death in . . . The Incredible Petrified World!

With a little script tightening and a much bigger budget, this could have been a great action-filled treat . . . But instead, we have a good first half and a pretty awful last half, leaving the viewer (me, in this case) more or less asleep by the film's end.

But the dialogue is lively, for the most part, and the scientific blunders are forgivable given the age of the film. The cave looks good, and the atmosphere ain't bad. But when the caveman (played by Maurice Bernard, who recently appeared in a Spanish TV miniseries) shows up, all credibility disappears. Not even an okay performance by film veteran Carradine can save us.

If you're hankerin' for some vintage 50s science fiction, this isn't your worst choice. But anyone could have made a better second half . . . Those women spent way too little time in those diving suits. That's just common sense.

To be honest, this is the only scene I remember.

Malone (1987)

Directed by Harley Cokeliss. Starring Burt Reynolds, Cliff Robertson, Kenneth McMillan, and Cynthia Gibb. USA, Color, 92 minutes.

Shotgun blasts! Car stunts! Explosions! Cliff Robertson! BURT REYNOLDS!

This movie was great. Why hasn't it seen a good DVD release? Why, God, why? Why, Burt, why? Why can't we see Cynthia Gibb in high definition? . . . Somebody owes all of us an explanation.

An ex-CIA hit man (Burt Reynolds) tries to run from his blood-soaked past, but finds himself with a broken-down car in a small but corrupt town, where big-city businessmen are buying up all the property and businesses. Before he gets a chance to leave, he finds himself flirting with young Jo Barlow (Cynthia Gibb), witnessing obvious hit-and-runs, and being shot at with pistols. There's only one way he knows how to deal with this, and it doesn't involve writing a letter to his congressman.

Okay, I'll admit, this movie is completely brainless. It's just a rehash of many films (like Shane) that we've seen before. Burt Reynolds plays your average Rambo character - At one point, he is shot with a golf-ball sized bullet, but manages to recover in less than a day. Cynthia Gibb plays the (very attractive) love interest that falls for him but is much too young to get involved with. Cliff Robertson plays the evil insane type. Fans of his character in Spider-Man will find him hard to believe here.

So the gang's all there, and the movie just rolls on without pausing to let us think about what's going on. And that's a great thing. We watch movies to escape, right? Not letting us think is exactly what movies like this one should do.

Malone, however brainless, is a prime example of a film that hasn't been seen by enough people. The world would be a happier place if we all could experience this type of cinema. So do your part and check this flick out.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Directed by Nicholas Webster. Starring John Call, Leonard Hicks, and Vincent Beck. USA, Color, 86 minutes.

I know Christmas is over, but here's my Yuletide movie. And it sucks.

When Kimar, Leader of the Martians (Leonard Hicks) finds his Martian children to be addicted to Earthling television, he decides to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him to Mars to make Martian children happy. When he deploys his spacecraft and lands on Earth, he encounters two children (Victor Stiles, Donna Conforti) who accidentally let slip the location of Santa Claus' workshop. Can Santa stop the Martians' nefarious plan, or will he be forced to make Martian toys for Martian children forever?

I'm a casual fan of bad movies, and I often indulge in one when I'm in the mood, but this one was just too much. It was obviously written for children (probably by children) and little or no time was given to produce it. It provided a few cheap laughs, and the theme song was incredibly catchy, but too much time was spent focusing on plot twists that involved "Yuletide Cheer" and "Santa's Magic".

Do yourself a favor and watch It's a Wonderful Life on Christmas instead.

Klaatu barada nikto!

Ooh, Santa was kidnaped by Martians!

Pink Floyd The Wall (1982)

Directed by Alan Parker. Starring Bob Geldof, Christine Hargreaves, James Laurenson, and Eleanor David. UK, Color, 95 minutes.

The Wall tells the story of Pink Floyd (Bob Geldof), a rock star who has separated himself from the people he loves by building a "wall" around himself, which renders him unable to communicate with anyone. The story is told with the music of the band Pink Floyd - songs like "Another Brick in the Wall (Part 1)" and "The Thin Ice" are about his childhood, while songs like "Don't Leave Me Now" and "Nobody Home" are about his isolation from the outside world. When his thoughts turn to escape, he finds that he is trapped inside of himself. Only when he puts himself on trial and finds the root of his problems will he ever be able to tear down the wall.

In 1978-1979, it was the beginning of the end for Pink Floyd. Roger Waters had completely taken over the band, and the other members all but gave up on writing their own material. The Wall album was released with all writing credit given to Roger Waters (with a small mention toward group member David Gilmour). As a result of this, The Wall is a very self-absorbed film, a film which reveals Roger Water's ego to be the size of a small planet.

But despite this, the film, and the album which preceded it, are minor masterpieces, with some absolutely stunning pieces of music (most of them co-written by Gilmour) and a rather interesting look at depression and insanity. "Comfortably Numb", featuring Gilmour's epic guitar solo, is made more touching and effective when paired with the imagery of the film. The final "Trial" sequence is a beautiful but insane look at the characters found throughout Pink's life.

And, with all this going on, Bob Geldof pulls off an amazing performance and provides the film with his own performances of two of Pink Floyd's songs. He was obviously physically challenged during filming - At one point he is completely covered in two-inch-thick pink sludge. And hey, there are naked cartoon breasts, too! Fun for everyone.

The film is mostly for fans, but casual filmsters might want to check out this ode to insanity as well. At least watch it for Bob Geldof's colossal freak-out scene. Classic!

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

Directed by Wes Craven. Starring Susan Lanier, Robert Houston, Martin Speer, and James Whitworth. USA, Color, 89 minutes.

The same year Star Wars and Smokey and the Bandit were hitting the screens and making an impact, The Hills Have Eyes, Wes Craven's second feature after the abysmal The Last House on the Left, was released to a generally unprepared audience, scaring and shocking its way to eventual cult status in the United States. It still scares people across the nation 30 years later.

The Carter family, on their way to California, find themselves in the middle of a desert in the middle of nowhere. When they venture off the main road, they lose control of their car and crash in a ditch. When one of their dogs is found dead in the rocky hills surrounding their feeble campfire, the Carters shut themselves inside their camper. But not before someone else has found their way in and terrorized the family - a cannibalistic family of degenerates hiding in the hills and hungry for their next dinner.

Wes Craven's films are always unique and interesting, and this one is no exception. It explores the same themes as Last House, but in a much more blatant and recognizable way. The Carters find themselves in danger of being wiped out by another family, and they respond by murdering those who were threatening to murder them. This is a very down-to-earth theme found in a very raw and sensational film, and it becomes even more prominent in the final moments of the film, when the Carter family brutalize cannibals Papa Jupe and Mars.

The film's impact is strengthened by the creepy location and very realistic and surprisingly strong emotional range expressed by every member of the cast. Wes Craven's direction is aided by the superb film editing and unexpected scares . . . While other films of this period often rely on cliches and false scares, The Hills Have Eyes uses wit and style to scare audiences in new ways.

While it is a little dated, this Wes Craven thriller manages to remain harrowing and genuinely scary. Craven manages to keep a sense of urgency and terror throughout the entire running time, keeping us on edge and unprepared for the next scare. Watch The Hills Have Eyes and try not to squirm in your seat.

Rear Window (1954)

Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Starring James Stewart, Grace Kelly, and Raymond Burr. USA, Color, 112 minutes.

Today, The Video Basement outdoes itself. We're looking at one of Hitchcock's greatest and most ingenious thrillers, Rear Window. It's currently #15 on the IMDb Top 200 List, and is on about every one's favorite film list. But I'm going to pick it apart like it never has, and show what a piece of crap this movie is.

No I'm not. That would be ludicrous.

When photographer L.B. Jefferies breaks his leg shooting an action photo, he is confined to a wheelchair, and can only stay in his apartment. When he begins killing time by peeping on his neighbors through his rear window, he becomes convinced that one of them (Burr) has committed murder, and pulls his beautiful girlfriend (Kelly) into the mystery.

There's not one wasted shot in this movie. There's not one weak plot point. There's not one poorly written line of dialogue. Hitchcock reached near-perfection with this movie, and made it unbelievably entertaining at the same time. (Yes, there's a difference between "perfect" and "entertaining".) The story is gripping and makes you root for the good guys. James Stewart rarely gave better performances, and Grace Kelly never looked so stunning. Oh, and she gives a good performance, too. (And she's frickin' HOT. [Sorry, feminists.] )

And did I mention that almost every shot in the film originates from Jefferies' apartment? Hitchcock was a crazy son of a bitch.

A great film for a rainy afternoon, a sunny morning, a quiet night, or a psychedelic sunrise. In fact, I think I'm gonna go watch it again. See ya.

One last look . . .

The Thing (1982)

Directed by John Carpenter. Starring Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley, and Keith David. USA, Color, 109 minutes.

We're back just in time for a Christmas-themed movie! The Thing may not be a movie that Jesus would enjoy, but me and the gang sure enjoyed it! (Who am I kidding, I was the only one watching . . .)

A twelve-man team in a remote Antarctic research station encounter a form-changing alien being that threatens to infect all mankind. But not if they have anything to say about it . . .

Definitely John Carpenter's scariest and most memorable film. While Halloween scared with jump cuts and unexpected shocks, The Thing goes for the jugular, using absolutely grotesque special effects and a thoroughly disturbing premise. Every team member is at risk of infection, even Russell's lead character, Macready.

Even though this is a Carpenter film, it doesn't feel like one. The setting is completely bleak and the characters are completely realistic and rational. I love John Carpenter's films, but this one easily tops them all . . . and when an infected man's head stretches and rips from his body, falls onto the floor, drags itself under a desk with its tongue, and sprouts spider legs, you know you're watching something different.

Some of the computer-focused scenes are painfully stupid, and the "blood test" scene, while effective and scary, seems a little improbable. But The Thing is still amazing. Check it out and enjoy.

Terror (1978)

Directed by Norman J. Warren. Starring John Nolan, Carolyn Courage, and James Aubrey. UK, Color, 87 minutes.

What is Terror? Who is Norman J. Warren? Why isn't this film in my Leonard Maltin Movie & Video Guide? Let me tell you.

Aside from watching and writing about mainstream film, The Video Basement also serves cult films and relatively unknown films. This blog's purpose is not only to entertain, but also to enlighten. Terror is only one of many films that you probably have never heard of that will appear on this space.

So please, stay tuned, and get ready to learn.

On a dark (summer? autumn? spring?) night, in a large house in the middle of a small forest, filmmaker/producer James Garrick (John Nolan) is showing his latest film to a relatively small group of friends and relatives. The film is about the violent deaths of his ancestors and a curse that has been put upon his bloodline. Soon after the showing, strange things begin to happen in the house. Glassware breaks into pieces, relatives get into sword fights, and tree limbs act of their own accord. When a string of murders begins, James' cousin Ann (Carolyn Courage) is targeted as the prime suspect. Is she innocent, or has she been chosen to carry on the family curse?

Well, I'm convinced.

Four of the actors in this film are named Peter. And one, surprisingly, is Peter Mayhew, better known as Chewbacca from the Star Wars series. But I digress.

Terror has a unique quirk. Its scenes of dialogue are almost fascinating - they're written very well and are full of humor and characterization. But its "scary scenes", its chase scenes, are all entirely dull. Completely and utterly dull. For the first time while watching a movie, I wished that all of the characters lived happily ever after - every time one of them died, I was treated to ten minutes of slowly walking through the woods or up a flight of stairs.

What happened to the good parts of the film.

The film takes place in a different world, a world invented in the director's head. In this world, no one acts normally. Kind words are rarely found. Synthesizers are pounded on. Everyone is angry at something.

Terror put me into a different place. It was a very depressing and dull place. And I honestly never want to go back.

Take my advice. Norman J. Warren is a loony. Stay out of his world.

She must have watched the movie, too.

The Dead Zone (1983)

Directed by David Cronenberg. Starring Christopher Walken, Brooke Adams, Tom Skerrit, and Martin Sheen. USA, Color, 103 minutes.

Johnny Smith (Christopher Walken), after recovering from a five year coma, finds that his girlfriend (Brooke Adams) is married to another man, his legs no longer function properly, and he has the uncanny ability to see the future. Of course, he decides to use this power for good.

Of all of his films, this is the one that David Cronenberg may have cared least about while filming. But its undoubtedly one of his best. It's adapted from Stephen King's best novel, and features some great actors at the top of their game (Walken, Tom Skerrit, Martin Sheen) and a great music score by Michael Kamen. All Cronenberg needed to do is stand in as a director - this one was bound to be good.

Little complaints aren't worth mentioning. Watch this with a bag of popcorn and a large Coke. Or Pepsi. Whatever.

Death Proof (2007)

Directed by Quentin Tarantino. Starring Kurt Russell, Zoe Bell, Rosario Dawson, and Vanessa Ferlito. USA, Color/Black and White, 114 minutes

With his latest film, Quentin Tarantino breaks all kinds of recently-set rules and makes a completely original viewing experience. It's too bad he tried too hard to make Death Proof exactly like the b-movies of the past - pointless dialogue, stretched-out-way-too-far chase scenes, and sometimes plodding plotting.

Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell) is a nut job who kills women with his car. He manages to knock off five of them during the film, but three other girls throw a wrench in his plans when they decide to fight back.

I said before that this film isn't as enjoyable as it could have been. But I didn't say that I didn't like it better for it. Tarantino pays homage perfectly to the grindhouse days of old, making the viewing experience difficult at times, but completely rewarding in the end.

He also managed to fill his film to the top with absolutely gorgeous women. And the first act even features one performing a lap dance. This guy knows how to please everyone.

Watch if you're looking for a unique film experience or a great Kurt Russell character. Skip if you're a wimp.

Breakdown (1997)

Directed by Jonathan Mostow. Starring Kurt Russell, J.T. Walsh, and Kathleen Quinlan. USA, Color, 95 minutes

Another day, another awesome Kurt Russell movie . . .

Jeff Taylor (Russell) and his wife Amy (Kathleen Quinlan) are moving across the country to a new home and new careers. When their car breaks down in the middle of a desert, they flag down a semi. Jeff stays with the vehicle. Amy goes with the trucker. When Amy doesn't come back, Jeff searches for her himself. By the end of the day, he finds that his wife has been kidnapped and is being held for ransom, and he must somehow come up with 90,000 dollars to satisfy the thieves. When he can't get the money, there's only one thing he can do.

Kick ass, Russell style.

This is an action movie that completely delivers in all aspects. It's premise was mostly original for the time and the acting is top-notch. The dialogue is superb throughout, and white-hot non-stop action sets in during the second half. It just rocked.

The only things that detract from the film are its bland title and the awkward ending scene. Otherwise, it completely rocks. Check it out at all costs.

Dark Star (1974)

USA, Color, 83 minutes. Directed by John Carpenter. Starring Brian Narelle, Cal Kuniholm, Dre Pahich, and Dan O'Bannon.

The most pointless film ever made, or a philisophically mind-blowing masterpiece? It's both. It's Dark Star.

Working as both a comedy and a science fiction thriller, Dark Star shows us the final hours of four astronauts who have been living in a large, clunky spaceship for 20 years, destroying unstable planets and looking for intelligent life in the universe.

John Carpenter apparently had filmmaking experience at a very young age, using the camera to convince us that we were aboard Dark Star with the rest of the crew. His scary scenes are scary, and his funny scenes are very funny, thanks to the efforts of the cast and the special effects crew, who pulled off a miracle with this one.

This is probably the only film I've ever seen that includes a philosophical conversation with a talking bomb. And that's a good thing.

Look for the director's cut - it greatly improves on the theatrically released version.